Growing up in Israel

Reverting back in time now, I'm going to tell you all about my fantastic time in Israel (It was hell). My parents split up when I was 7 and I was abducted by my Mother when I was 8 and she took me to Israel. Now I was no stranger to Israel but my Hebrew vocabulary stretched as far as mum, dad, toilet, water and, of course the most important word, jellyfish. 

My first day at school was awful. To be frank I don't remember much of it so my assumption is I was too psychologically damaged to deal with the horror I have shoved it to the back of my memory. (Okay, slight dramatisation, it was just a long time ago...) But I do remember how I asked to go to the toilet and my teacher, who is the spitting image of Ursula from the little mermaid, said I need to learn the whole sentence before I could go. So my lovely classmates taught me. Well, turns out I said "shove your fat arse down the toilet". 

I slowly fitted in, learnt hebrew and actually made friends. Now looking back I would like to say to those girls - FRIENDS DONT LET FRIENDS JOIN ISRAELI SCOUTS. It was honestly hell on earth. So why I chose to then also attend the trips is bloody beyond me. I must have been extremely desperate to be accepted. 

I am not well adapted to hot climates. I am pale and British. Two things particularly sensitive to the sun. But of course, Israel being Israel, it was ALWAYS boiling. So every trip we went out I would end up getting heat stroke and throwing up everywhere. Apparently when a 9 year old has heat stroke the best thing to do is leave her ALONE on a BOILING coach in the middle of no where. Honestly, its a miracle I am still here to tell you of the atrocities I suffered from these barbarians we call Scouts. 

When I turned 10, all my friends joined sea scouts. I will admit this was all my wrong doing. I joined by my own will with my friends because I thought it would be fun. IT WAS ANYTHING BUT. So the first day they let us go kayaking in the marina. Now this sounds safer because there is no waves. But there are boats, a fuck load of boats. Within the first 15 minutes I had lost my oars and got stuck between two boats unable to get out and no one came to rescue me for about 25 minutes. When the lazy twits we called our instructors decided to save me I made it VERY clear that I was never going to kayak again. They didn't listen to me.

The next week we were kayaking yet again. Although this time we were leaving the marina and going into the deep deep sea. I AM 10 YEARS OLD AND I COULDN'T KAYAK IN A MARINA WHY ARE YOU TAKING ME OUT TO THE DEEP OCEAN. However, I had no choice in the matter. So we get out the marina and waves are hitting us, you can't see the sea floor and there are god forsaken fish everywhere. As we go further out I realise there is a massive flock of jellyfish surrounding my group. My fantastic instructors had forgot to mention IT WAS JELLYFISH SEASON. Before you know it they have completely surrounded the kayaks and are popping up through the holes in the kayak to come and kill me. 

This was my face


You'll be glad to know I managed to leap into the instructors boat, abandoning that stupid kayak and I wasn't even stung by those malicious bastards! 

I have not been kayaking in Israel since. 

yalla bye xx